Diary of a writer

 Dreams (the diary of a writer) by Bill Poindexter

I don’t know why this is happening. But it is. Mind you I’m not afraid, although I should be terrified. But I’ve always been this way the more extreme the situation the calmer I become the more lucid, in the more focused, and somehow I manageto make it out of the darkness into the light, but I’m sure someday I won’t make it back out -could this be that time?

I’m unsure. 

I’ve been having dreams and visions really over the last couple of months ever since I got back from the journey of being attacked.

Humans, I think, they’re trying to hurt me and then find myself alone on an island that’s one of the predominant dreams that keeps happening-I am alone and standing on a ridge, the highest ridge of ‘the island’

and being able look down all around me and seeing just land and ocean but there’s no infrastructure no people no cars even very little vegetation no nature no animals. And now here I am on an island alone. 

I woke up about two hours ago it was midnight and I went out and sat under the stars I’ve been sleeping in a tent on the ground and something woke me told me to go out and watch the sky so I’ve been sitting looking up at the sky it reminds me of when I did it as a child and college reminds me of all those hiking trips and Bikepacking trips where I wake up in the middle of night and just go out and stare at the stars. And doing this reminds you of how small you are in the universe, insignificant really, in the bigger scheme of things. I’ve been questioning what my purposes in life again sometimes I feel lost and other times I feel found. I want a relationship with God, but sometimes I don’t believe in God especially an authority God, But I still pray to God, because I always feel better when he’s around. I’m not sure what the next step is going to be, things haven’t worked out like I thought they would. And I feel like I’ve been grasping for something that I shouldn’t have been grasping for, the cliché trying to fit a square and a round hole. Oh god what do I do? Why am I so alone. Has it all comes down to this, the choice is pretty simple go back home, play it safe. You have people there that care about you, well -really care about themselves more. And that’s OK. The cats are safe, although I miss them terribly. Sometimes in our lives we have to leave our loved ones to go grow ourselves, to become the people were meant to be, I don’t mean that in a selfish sense I mean that in a purely necessity sense. I think it might be time to release the bondage of society from my soul, and it’s time to go back on the road and find my humanity and find my connection with the earth again, and either live or die. This is part of the heroes journey, from Joseph Campbell, the hero heads out into the wilderness, your battles evil, focuses on self introspection, lays it all out …as it were, and gets to a point after a series of adventures where the hero is not afraid of death. And with that the hero is in free to do whatever it takes to complete the journey. Hero? Me? No, only in the sense that I’m not afraid to die. I haven’t been afraid for a long while. And that’s giving me a passion for life that I did not have when I was younger. I love to live!

So the story goes like this: so the man on the island leaves his shelter middle the night and lays on the ground look at the stars. He sees things in the sky he cannot explain, looks like one star goes to another star and then stops, one star blinks off and on for a period of time, he sees a falling star, and then he closes his eyes and he imagines heading out into space imagines and realizes how small he is and then significant …insignificant. For he is just a man. And so his journey just began. He takes all of his identification, his cell phone, his shelter and the belongings he has and decides to leave them on the island. And then with just the clothes on his back, alone, to complete his journey of discovery for truth and nirvana. The Buddhists say, most of us live our lives like we are living in an egg shell, safe, prophylactic, stuck in traditional social bounds that become very hard to break out of, but some of us are able to crack the shell and head into a New World on the other side and that for some of us is when life begins. As a truth seeker, and as a writer, the man who heads out into the wilderness with nothing to find his true soul and then will understand the soul of the world, the universe i.e. God, or as the Taoists believe, maybe the best way to live is to have no purpose no direction no goal but just be and exist in the moment?

… This writer must write unapologetically the truth as he sees it, no fluff just raw life. And thereby sets himself free.  Oh my gosh yes and once free of those false fears, one becomes not afraid of the journey of life. 

And only then he’s  

truly lived and dreamed. 

Authors note: I’m a free writer, that is important for you to know. Some of it’s me typing /dictating… There will be mistakes as there’s minimal editing. I hope you enjoy my writing there’s much more coming… Authentic, transparent, real, raw. I’m always interested in your thoughts although I won’t alter the way I write. Feel free to share. Peace and love from the road, Bill Poindexter

You can find me on Substack